You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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