I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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