Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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