How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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