We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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