Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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