It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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