new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school