I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
