Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
