So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
