if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
so let's talk penis.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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