im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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