it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
