I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
