she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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