There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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