the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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