i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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