Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everyone says I win the strip club
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
