I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
