I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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