There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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