I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
