I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
