i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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