How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
