FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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