I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
