I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
