Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
