I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
