i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
