i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
