Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.