I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
