and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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