Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
