So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
