and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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