The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
