Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need moral support for this bender
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
