After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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