I didn't shave. On purpose
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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