Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
