it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize