the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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