Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
