# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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