My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
