All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
