im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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