I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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