apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
