I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
