Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
