I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
wow bdsm is so cute
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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