This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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