im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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