I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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