Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
