So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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