new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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