once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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