I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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